Why a Woman Author for a Book on Male Sexual Abuse?
Confessions of Dr. Kelli Palfy: Author Of Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse
When being interviewed, I am often made aware of how strange it was to see a woman authoring a book on male sexual abuse... In case you are curious…here’s an explanation of how I came to be an advocate for male survivors of sexual abuse:
Prior to becoming a psychologist, I was an RCMP officer who worked in the Behavioral Sciences Unit. I specialized in investigating international sex crimes committed against children...aka "Sex Tourism"... where we charged Canadians travelling to foreign countries for the purpose of engaging in sex acts with children as if they committed the crimes in Canada.
The RCMP was in the process of training me to be a subject matter expert, and at a training seminar, former pro hockey player Sheldon Kennedy came and spoke to us (a group of seasoned investigators) about why he hadn’t spoken up about his abuse sooner. Some of his reasons included that he knew he had the skill set to go pro and his coach had the connections to help him make it there, the finances his career afforded were literally helping to lift his parents out of poverty and he also felt like no one would help him. He believed that other parents knew what was going on…but turned a blind eye lest it affect their own son’s hockey careers. They did nothing. This infuriated me then and still does now. He spoke also about “leading a double life.” He explained that on one hand he was a pro hockey player but on the other, he was being victimized daily and he felt powerless to stop it. Back then society was still caught up in the ridiculous idea that "real men" were not victims.
My heart broke for him. I was left with the profound sense that society had failed him...I was deeply touched. Prior to becoming a police lady, I had worked in corrections and I recalled wondering why there were so many men in prison, I mean compared to women, why SO many? I’d never gotten this question answered… Then Mr. Kennedy began to speak about how he’d turned to drugs and alcohol to cope and started to see a bigger picture…As a police lady I was aware that using drugs and alcohol was a very slippery slope…one that could land a fella in prison pretty quickly.
On a small level, I related to what Mr. Kennedy stated about living a double life. In my own mind, I too was "in the big leagues" career-wise and I too, felt powerless to stop the bullying I was experiencing daily lest it end my career too. In the end it did, thankfully God had other plans for me!
After losing my career to the bullying I was experiencing and PTSD I developed, I was desperate to find another career that I could get passionate about. During my MA (which I had initially started with intentions of becoming a Criminal Profiler) one of my professors mentioned that he worked with adult male survivors of sexual abuse. I was like a bit of life came back into my deeply depressed state. I felt hope for the first time in a long time as I recalled how strongly I had felt in regard to how society was failing male victims. I knew that with my background and experience as a police officer, that as a psychologist I could make a difference for boys and men, but I also knew I needed to know more, a lot more. So, when I pursued my Ph. d I conducted my doctoral research examining why so few boys and men were coming forward. What I learned was that boys and men have a lot of very valid and complex reasons for not seeking support. Reasons which change, yet exist across their entire lifetimes.
Admittedly, I also learned that a lot of men who were victims as young boys grow up to lead what appears to be healthy lives. They marry, attain careers and go on to have children of their own. However, despite their careers and other accomplishments, these executives, husbands and fathers often still find it difficult to cope with the memories of their abuse. While these men may be coping, they were also struggling in silence.
Some coped through the use of addictive substances, or addictive/high risk habits or hobbies. Others coped through avoiding deep conversations and intimate relationships. They avoided intimacy out of fear of where the conversation might go, lest their abuse be discovered. One man only came into therapy after his marriages had fallen apart because he had refused to participate in normal parental activities like bathing his children. He refused out of fear he might accidentally offend. Others went to therapy but refused to disclose to their therapist for years.
In my practice today, I see many male victims who struggle with strong feelings and are easily irritated or experiencing excessive anxiety, or depression. If this is you, help is available, you can begin living a much richer quality of life. I encourage you to read my book: Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse. It is designed to support male survivors and there are many other resources listed throughout. Help is available and you have a voice.
Please join me in talking about male sexual abuse.
Creating awareness of male sexual abuse makes a difference.
Thank You!
Dr. Kelli Palfy is a psychologist. She has authored the highly aclaimed “Men too : Unspoken Trusths About Male Sexual Abuse”, changing the way people think about male sexual abuse.